hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize