As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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