Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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