You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
