Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
