i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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