Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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