So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
