No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
