apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My cat gives me a boner
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
