Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize