I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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