I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
What drink are we having for lunch?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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