i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize