you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
