I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
