dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
