My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
