It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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