i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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