how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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