I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
