NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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