you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
as a side note pls kill me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
