Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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