that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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