Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
