My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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