I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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