If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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