just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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