I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
