so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
