first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
