Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
