Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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