i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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