peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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