i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
