if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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