You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize