You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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