so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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