I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
