I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My vagina just recognized that song.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize