It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
