Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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