If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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