Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
