dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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