Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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