I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
