those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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