Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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