The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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