just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
pop tarts are not kleenex
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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