i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
