did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
