I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
im holly from the hills drunk
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
