...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
