Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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